Amen

i've decided to talk a bit about our prayer life here at Rafiki because it is something that comes up often...yes, prayers themselves (we pray a lot as a group, in our devotions, at staff meetings) but its been a huge part of my teams dialogue and discussion as we sift through our thoughts on prayer and personal faith. Seems by doing this i run the risk of sharing too much, in that case i pray that my words are read with the understanding that these are simply personal convictions and thoughts...that i am processing, as i write, how i feel about the prayer culture here and the struggles (as well as the benefits that have surfaced) that i face.

Lets start with quantity, amount, numbers,lol...i pray here more than i ever have in my whole life...it feels like we are ALWAYS praying! haha! we have morning devotions, school assembly, meals, cottage devotions and staff devotions; all of which we open and close in prayer!

now onto the subject of quality(for lack of a better word and in effort to continue with my math anology)...the prayers here have a structure to be followed (ACTS), they start in a salutation , Addressing God for who he is "Prince of Peace" "Alpha and Omega""Great Redeemer" are ones that are commonly used. Next, Confession...(sometimes we are asked to admit our wrong doings out loud) but most often there is a time and space for personal confession. Next is prayers of Thanksgiving and lastly Supplications, taking time to ask God for personal matters, prayer for the country, for family etc...now i am in no place to judge another persons prayer disingenuous or any less valid than someone else's...but after praying day in and day out for the same things, in the same way i cant help but hear insincerity (as well as speak it myself as i begin to say words just to fill the space).
I would like to think prayer is one of my more spiritual gifts...but i have realized while being here that maybe i do not pray enough...and at the same time can't help but question (and feeling somewhat ashamed and embarrassed while i ask it) is there such thing as too much prayer?!? 

Perhaps it's not the amount as much as the type of prayer...i like to feel lead into prayer, for the spirit to initiate something in me that makes it nearly impossible for me to NOT pray! i like my prayers to be organic; to stem from a place where my feelings, my convictions and my thoughts all jumble into one big cloud and i am left trying to articulate them to God in prayer! How then do i do this in such a strict, structured way...how do i feel like im communicating with God when it seems like we're speaking 2 different languages?!?

This is, as i mentioned, something that all 4 of us here are struggling with in some form or fashion...whether its how often we pray, how we pray, how long we pray, what we pray for...we feel we've had change the way we do things in order to fill some kind of mold that has been laid before us...one that we havent chosen for ourselves...but then it occurred to me, since when do i pick the molds that are laid before me? "molds" have been placed in front of me since i can remember...some easier to shape myself into than others, and what i continue to realize is that there is a beauty to these molds outside of the mold itself (what or where the situation might be). 

First, they teach me HOW to be molded...how to not be so rigid and set in my ways that i can no longer transform into something different or greater. Secondly, they grow me. As i experience the difficulty of each mold i am forced to reflect on why certain aspects are so difficult (which usually brings to the surface huge faults and weaknesses on my part). Third, they cultivate in me an appreciation for the molds that i am comfortable in (family, home, friends) as well as admiration for the ones i am not.

a wise woman once prayed for me: "i pray that you trust in God with all your heart and lean not on what YOU know, but rather what HE knows and that in leaning, you find more and more moments of peace..."

i guess through all of this that is the best way to articulate what im learning...im learning that i know very little, haha...but i gain peace, comfort, knowledge and confidence when i allow myself to experience His truth. This is the prayer i hold onto as i struggle with my prayer life here...that while i might LIKE or WANT a certain thing, that doesn't make it RIGHT or BEST for me. Only God knows whats best or right for me, and i can only learn those things by experiencing them...and so for providing a place and facilitating the conversations that continue to shape me, i am forever grateful to Rafiki.